Your partner tells you they’re furious because you didn’t warn them about a change of plans. You think the fury is disproportionate. What do you do? If you say “it’s not a big deal,” the conversation escalates. If you say “you’re right, I’m sorry,” you’re being dishonest. The third option — and the hardest — is to validate what they feel without needing to agree with them. That skill changes the dynamic of any relationship.
What Validation Is
Validation is communicating to someone that their emotional experience is understandable. Not that it’s correct, not that they’re right, not that their interpretation of events is accurate. Simply that it makes sense they feel what they feel given the circumstances as they perceive them.
Validation is saying: “I understand that you’re angry.” It’s not saying: “You’re right to be angry.” The difference sounds minimal, but its effects are enormous.
When someone feels validated, their nervous system lowers its guard. Emotional intensity decreases. The person shifts from defence mode to dialogue mode. They feel seen and heard, and that makes them more open to other perspectives — including yours.
When someone doesn’t feel validated, the opposite happens. Intensity rises. They repeat the same point more forcefully. They search for more arguments. They close off. Because their brain interprets the lack of validation as: “They don’t understand me — I need to push harder.”
It’s paradoxical: the more you try to convince someone they shouldn’t feel what they feel, the more strongly they feel it. And the more you validate their emotion, the faster the intensity drops and the sooner you can talk calmly.
Validating Vs Approving
The confusion between validating and approving is what stops many people from validating. They think: “If I tell them I understand their anger, I’m saying they’re right. And they’re not.” But validating and approving are completely different things.
Approving is saying: “Your behaviour is correct. Your interpretation is accurate. Your reaction is justified.”
Validating is saying: “Given how you see the situation, it makes sense that you feel what you feel.”
Approval refers to facts and actions. Validation refers to the emotional experience. You can validate someone’s emotion without approving their behaviour. You can acknowledge their pain without sharing their conclusion.
Some examples:
- A ten-year-old is furious because you won’t let them play longer. Approving: “You’re right, I should let you play more.” Validating: “I understand you’re frustrated. It’s annoying to have to stop something you enjoy. But the rule stays the same.”
- A colleague complains they’ve been given more work than others. You know the distribution is fair. Approving: “You’re right, it’s unfair.” Validating: “I can see why it feels unequal to you. That feeling makes sense.”
- Your partner feels hurt because you made a decision without consulting them. You believe consulting wasn’t necessary. Approving: “I should have asked you, I’m sorry.” Validating: “I understand that hurt you. Being part of that decision mattered to you.”
In all three cases, validation acknowledges the emotion without conceding the position. And in all three, the person will feel far more heard with validation than with a “it’s not a big deal” or “you’re overreacting.”
Phrases That Validate
Validation doesn’t require an elaborate speech. Often a few short phrases are enough to communicate: I see you, I hear you, I understand what you’re feeling.
Phrases that validate:
- “It makes sense that you feel that way.”
- “I understand why that affected you.”
- “Anyone in your situation would feel something similar.”
- “It’s not strange that you’re angry about that.”
- “I can see how hard that’s been for you.”
- “That sounds really frustrating.”
Phrases that invalidate (and should be avoided):
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “You should feel differently.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “Don’t take it that way.”
- “I wouldn’t feel that way if I were you.”
Invalidation rarely comes from bad intentions. It comes from the impulse to make the other person feel better quickly. But invalidating an emotion never reduces it — it either amplifies it or buries it. Neither is helpful.
An important nuance: validating isn’t mechanically repeating “I understand how you feel.” If you say it formulaically, without genuine listening, the effect is the opposite. Validation works when it’s authentic: you’ve truly listened, you’ve genuinely tried to understand, and you truly acknowledge the other person’s experience.
When Validation Is Enough
One of the most common mistakes in relationships is assuming that every emotion needs a solution. Your partner tells you they’ve had a bad day and you jump to problem-solving: “Have you talked to your boss? Do you want me to help with this? Have you thought about changing your approach?”
Sometimes the other person doesn’t want solutions. They want to be heard. And in those moments, validation is enough. More than enough.
How do you know when someone needs validation versus practical help? There’s a very simple way: ask. “Would you like me to help you think about a solution, or would you rather I just listen?” That question, said naturally, prevents most emotional misunderstandings in relationships.
As a general guide:
- When the emotion is recent and intense, the person needs validation before solutions. First they need to feel seen, then they can think.
- When the person has had time to process and comes seeking perspective, they probably want more than listening.
- When they repeat the same thing several times, it’s a sign they haven’t felt validated on previous occasions. Before offering another solution, go back to validating.
Validation doesn’t solve problems, but it does address something more fundamental: the need to feel understood. And when that need is met, the person has far greater capacity to tackle the problem on their own.
Validating without agreeing is one of the hardest skills in emotional intelligence, because it requires separating two things your mind automatically merges: the other person’s emotion and your opinion about the situation. But when you manage it, something remarkable happens: the other person lowers their guard, feels seen and, paradoxically, becomes far more willing to hear your perspective. It’s not about giving in. It’s about connecting first so you can have a real conversation afterwards.
