Assertiveness isn’t a personality trait. It’s a structure. A way of organising what you want to say so it’s clear, respectful, and actionable. The good news: once you know the structure, you can apply it to virtually any situation where you need to express something uncomfortable.
The structure
The assertive message has three parts:
- Fact — What happened, described objectively.
- Impact — How it affects you or the situation.
- Proposal — What you’d like to happen instead.
That’s it. No accusations, no generalisations, no mind-reading. Just observation, consequence, and solution.
Step 1: The fact
Describe what happened in neutral, observable terms. Stick to what a camera would record — not your interpretation of it.
Not this: “You don’t respect my time.” (Interpretation) This: “The meeting started 20 minutes late.” (Fact)
Not this: “You’re always on your phone.” (Generalisation) This: “During dinner yesterday, you checked your phone five times.” (Fact)
The fact must be something the other person can’t reasonably deny. If they can argue with your premise, the conversation derails before it starts.
Step 2: The impact
Explain the real-world consequence — what happens as a result of the fact. This can be practical, emotional, or both.
Practical impact: “When the meeting starts late, I lose preparation time for my next one.” Emotional impact: “When you check your phone during dinner, I feel like the conversation doesn’t matter to you.”
The impact makes the abstract concrete. It answers the question: “Why should I care about this?” Without the impact, the fact hangs in the air without motivation for change.
Use “I” language: “I feel,” “I end up,” “it affects me by…” This keeps the focus on your experience rather than accusing the other person of bad intentions.
Step 3: The proposal
State what you’d like instead. Make it specific, actionable, and reasonable.
Not this: “I need you to be more respectful.” (Vague) This: “Could we agree to start meetings at the scheduled time? If something comes up, a message five minutes before helps me adjust.” (Specific)
Not this: “Pay attention to me.” (Vague demand) This: “Could we try phones-away during dinner? Even 20 minutes would make a difference.” (Specific, negotiable)
The proposal should be a request, not a demand. The other person can negotiate, suggest an alternative, or explain why your proposal doesn’t work for them. That’s fine — you’re starting a dialogue, not issuing an order.
Real examples
At work — a colleague takes credit: “In yesterday’s presentation, the client was told the design was yours (fact). The hours I spent on it aren’t being acknowledged, which affects my visibility on the team (impact). Going forward, could we present work with both names when it’s collaborative?” (proposal)
In a relationship — partner makes plans without asking: “You confirmed dinner with your parents on Saturday without checking with me first (fact). I already had plans that I now need to cancel, and I feel like my time isn’t being considered (impact). Could we check with each other before committing to plans that involve both of us?” (proposal)
With a friend — consistently late: “The last three times we’ve met, you arrived 30 or more minutes late (fact). I end up waiting without knowing if you’re coming, and it makes me not want to make plans (impact). Could you let me know in advance if you’re running late, so I can adjust?” (proposal)
The fact-impact-proposal structure works because it removes the elements that make people defensive: judgement, generalisation, and blame. What remains is information the other person can actually work with. It doesn’t guarantee they’ll change. But it guarantees you’ve expressed yourself clearly — and that’s the only part you control.
